They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. No matter what that time span though, most of them are here to accompany us on our journey, and in some cases guide us.
I know for me that there have been people in my life that I have been sad to have let go of, not seeing the reasons or for want of a better word, sometimes the lessons that they have helped me to learn further down the track.
Of course there have also been those that I couldn't wait to see the back of! Yet, even those, for the most part, I can in hindsight identify why they were sent my way, albeit some of them a very long time after I have forgive them for some of their actions.
Sometimes though we are lucky enough to see the lessons, to identify the guides and know why someone has been sent to us almost from their arrival.
For most of my life I have been afraid to just live. Always conforming to what was expected of me, worried what everyone else would think, would they judge me? Accept me? Criticise or ridicule my decisions? What would happen if I did 'X', would I be in trouble? Of course there are always going to be circumstances where it is important to think like this and to a certain extent to conform, but in your personal life, shouldn't you be allowed to live your own truth without all the worry of what everyone else expects of you?
At the age of 41, I am finally in a place where I am doing exactly that. And no, it isn't necessarily making everyone happy. There are things I am doing that not everyone respects or understands, the most obvious of that being my tattoos, and I get that. I don't expect anyone to understand why I have now decided to put artwork on my skin, and it IS art. It's not rebellion, it's not me throwing my sensibilities to the wind and trying to fit in, it's not my way of hurting the people I love, it is 100% about me expressing myself in a way that I was too scared to before, the outside creativity mirroring the inside.
In just under 3 months I have 2 pieces of art on my skin. Both of them represent different things and parts of me. Whilst I don't plan on any more in the next little while, if I decide to get more, then when the time is right I will.
As I wrote in my blog about getting my first tattoo, I placed it on my inside left arm because I want to be able to see it, I want to be able to look at it and know why it is there and when I do that, what I see is something that always should have been there. To my eyes it doesn't look like an addition, rather it looks and feels a part of me, just as much as the skin on my right arm. When I glance in the mirror now and see both tattoos, I feel balanced.
Just because I now have ink on my skin it does not change the woman that I have always been. It does not change my character, my integrity, my heart. All it does is make a blank canvas more colourful, makes the outside represent what it feels like on the inside. I change the colour of my hair constantly, my style of dress, I wear jewellery and flowers in my hair, so what is the difference in adorning my skin? Yes it is permanent, but life isn't, and I'm not going to waste another moment in my life worrying about what other people will think of me.
No one is else is going to be judged because of my tattoos. I may be, but it is something I am prepared for.
So back to the lessons. Meeting and falling in love with my darling man has taught me many things about myself. I'm not going to go into detail, a lot of them are private, but the one lesson I will share that I have learnt from him is that when people really love you, they let you be you, even when it seems crazy and silly and nonsensical to everyone else, they will still love and accept you, just as you are.
He gets me like no one else ever has before. If I had of stayed a 'clean skin' he would have been just as happy as he is with me getting inked. It's my truth that I have to live, and no one else can really know how that truth feels. For me, getting my tattoos, loving my man and being with our friends who are also inked makes me feel like I've found where I am supposed to be. It's taken 41 years but damn it makes me happy.
I am so lucky to be in a place where I am not afraid anymore to be anything but me.
So let me get the ball rolling by answering the 2 questions everyone wants to know.
1. Did I cry? - No, I can very proudly say that the big wussy usual crybaby girl did not cry! AND I have video evidence to prove it :) 2. Did it hurt? - Hmm, now this one is a little more complicated than just yes or no, so I'm going to take you through my journey and answer it at each of the stages.
So here we go, Diary of a Clean Skin Part II - Losing my ink virginity. Knowing me as he does, my man was pretty confident that a couple of things were going to happen on Saturday the 11th August 2012, and the eve of. Firstly was that I would be excited, and absolutely I was. Second that I would most likely cry during my tattoo experience as my pain threshold is pretty low and I have a propensity to burst into tears at the smallest signs of pain, stress, happiness or PMT. I am incredibly proud to announce that although it was tempting at times, it was a different kind of pain and didn't warrant tears. Thirdly, that although I was excited, I was also incredibly anxious about how well I was going to handle the experience, so he expected me to have a terrible restless sleep Friday night filled with panic attacks or just no sleep at all. To be honest I was totally with him on that point too, but I surprised both of us when I actually slept really soundly.
So far then, so good, I'd managed to fulfil one of the cardinal rules of inking that had been passed down to me from those in the know - don't drink any alcohol and get a good night sleep the night before. I successfully obeyed Rule number 1.
Rule number 2 was to make sure I ate before I got tattooed. I did manage to eat a little bit, I would have liked to have managed more but I do have the complication of a gastric band that inhibits my ability to swallow food when anxious, so I did my best on this point.
So we arrived at Platinum Ink just before the appointed time of 11:00am, and as Jane had me filling out the paperwork, a strange thing happened. As we walked in I seriously in the back of my mind began to question about whether I was going to be capable of going through with 3 or more hours of goodness knows what pain. But as soon as she showed me the drawing again and put it against my arm to ensure the sizing was right, an incredible calm came over me, which quickly turned to incredible excitement, and I couldn't wait to be sitting in that chair and get going.
Ready to go - paper work is done :)
So as Jane got me prepped, I talked to the other artists and of course had my darling man with me making sure I was ok, and I think even he was shocked at how relaxed I was at this point. When the other artists discovered it was my first, they couldn't wait to see how I was going to react to that first scrape of the needle against my skin as Jane began the outline.
Fortunately, I've been seen enough tattoos done to not be freaked out by the noise of the machines. I knew the machine used for the outline was going to be loud, but I liked that, it was kind of like a warning that we were about to commence as it made it's first contact with my skin.
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it tickled, because that is definitely not the case! But it also wasn't the shock to my system that I was expecting it to be either, and as such I have a classic comment from one of the other tattooists and Darrin as Darrin has the camera trained on my face waiting for my reaction. If you listen closely you can hear their disappointment!
And so it begins!
So what did it feel like? Well you know what it is like when you accidentally scrape a safety pin across your skin? Well imagine doing that over and over until you just about can't take another stroke of it, and then it stops, or when a cat gets you with it's claws! Jane knew just the right moment to take the needle off my skin and I was fine. The outline took around 45 minutes and it actually went quicker than I thought it would. Of course there were a few moments when my facial expressions would have been classics, especially when she was working down on my wrist. That damn bird's tail caused lots of burning!
Outline completed
Outline and black completed
Rule number 3 was to make sure that I kept hydrated with whatever my beverage of choice may be. A lot of people tend to drink energy drinks, which unfortunately my body can't tolerate, so I alternated between Mizone water and diet coke and sipped whenever I felt I needed it.
I waited until all the black outline and shading was completed before taking my first real break, which at this point was 90 mins in. By this point I was really relaxed with what was being done, and had gone from talking my head off as my method of distraction, to being totally fascinated in watching Jane work.
After we had commenced 2 guys came in to be tattooed. One guy was having a rib piece worked on which from all accounts was beyond painful. The guy next to me they kept teasing because although he already had a full sleeve completed, and the outline of half the next one done, he lasted about 10 mins sitting in the chair before he needed to lay down and they kept telling him to grow a pair as I was doing brilliantly on my first piece!
Black and shading completed - time now for the colour!
As the colour was pushed into my skin, the burn didn't really start until we got to the highlighting. When Jane coloured in the word Eternal I barely felt a thing, but by the time she was adding the white into the banner, which was the very last thing I was ready to give it up!
3hrs and feeling the burn!
So as we started the colour, I was relaxed enough that I needed Rule number 4 - make sure you have sugar with you. When we stopped at the servo to get my drinks I also grabbed some mixed lollies. Now I know this is so your body gets some sugar kicks and keeps you regulated, but to be honest, now that I was feeling good I was starving! So being able to pop a few lollies as we progressed was a good thing, and just a tip - when they hit a not so ticklish spot, if you can bite down on a jelly baby it helps take the focus off the pain too!
Does the colour hurt more than the outline?
So many people ask this question, myself included and everyone has a different answer! The 2 machines are very different, and different tattooists have their favourite brands and types. There are different needle groupings and machinery. The outline is done in single lines, where the machinery for colour allows them to work in circles. Some artists have bigger equipment, with more needles for the colour which allows them to work faster, pushing more ink into the skin at one time. This will of course hurt more than an artist who prefers to work slower, lifting the needle from the skin more regularly. But at the end of the day, whichever you prefer, or the way your artist works it is still going hurt. How much you let it hurt is probably more the point!
Anything that is constant, on the same spot or interlinked nerve endings is going to hurt after a time. No matter what Jane did on my wrist it was more extreme than working on the fleshier part of my forearm. And by the time we got to that last bit of highlighting, anywhere she touched hurt like a bitch as every nerve ending by this point on that part of my arm had inadvertently or intentionally been worked on somewhere in the last 3 hours, so the burn was more intense by this point in time.
But I got myself really early on into a breathing pattern that I could sustain, and when the pain was more 'bitey' I closed my eyes and breathed deeply through it, kind of like I guess how you see them do it in the movies when they are giving birth! Did I look silly? Yep I did, but it worked for me, so I don't particularly care!
No tears - but you'll get the idea lol
When the final touches were made and Jane cleaned off my arm I was in a state somewhere between relief and excitement still. I was so happy with the job she did that I almost could have cried then from happiness! But I was also relieved that the actual work was completed. I know now that at around 2hrs 50mins to 3hrs I tap out and am ready to stop. This is good to know for future sessions (and yes, the experience was a positive one and I'm ready to get more!).
All done - still bleeding a little at this point, but man it looks good!
Rule number 5 then is about the after care of your tattoo. It seems everyone has their own stories and advice here too, but the most common advice is this: Leave it wrapped for about 2hrs after the tattoo is finished then have a shower. Wash it really gently with a non perfumed liquid soap, or if you prefer Protat Cleanser, put a thin layer of bepanthan or tattoo specialist cream on it to keep it moist and help it heal, and repeat this morning and night for about 2 weeks. This will help to keep the tattoo moist and free from infection to allow the top layer to peel off.
Some artists recommend Paw Paw ointment, but unless you have used it on your un-inked skin before I would not recommend it as I have had numerous friends who have had bad experience with it on freshly inked skin.
Now your tattoo will look manky as the tattoo peels, but it is all a natural part of the healing process.
It will also get itchy as it heals so Rule number 6 is DO NOT SCRATCH! If it gets itchy you can slap it, but don't scratch - you could pull out the ink or get it infected. The peeling will usually start after about 3 or 4 days and your tattoo will start to look a little dull as those deep saturated top layers of skin begin to come off, but the new skin underneath will be beautiful and soft and representative of the real colour that it will be. This peeling can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.
I'm now just over 3 weeks in and I'm done with that, although I'm told it will take a few months for the colour to really settle into my skin.
Healed - so happy with it!
So what don't they tell you???
Maybe I just never though to ask, but what I wasn't prepared for was the next few days and how it would feel.
I think the post inking 'burn' was in fact worse sometimes than the actual experience as my arm began to heal. The first time I put my arm under the water to wash it as instructed I nearly hit the roof when the warm water touched me! Nobody had thought to tell me about that one! It feels like a really severe sunburn and of course my arm was swollen for a day or 2 which made it sensitive to touch. But after that initial shock it only took a couple of days for the swelling to go down and for it to feel fine in the water. It also felt a little stretched with the ink on the swollen skin, so keeping it creamed up help keep in the moisture and it has healed beautifully! Clothing aggravated it a little bit too as it healed, but again it didn't take long for that to stop happening either once that layer of skin had peeled.
So now that I have lost my ink virginity, felt the pain and know what to expect, will I do it again??
HELL YES!
In fact I've already spoken to Jane about a piece for my leg and I've got ideas ready to chat to Toby about the other side of my left arm! But both of those won't be until the new year, getting tattooed is a rather expensive hobby!
A huge thank you to Jane Stuart from Platinum Ink Tattoo for my amazing piece of artwork and for making my first experience such a good one.
Before I get into the guts of this post, there are a few points of critical information that you need to know:
1. I've always been surrounded by ink - friends, family and acquaintances - for as long as I can remember - and been fascinated by it. 2. Darrin is not the first man I have dated with tattoos (although he has more than the others!) 3. Since my late 20's I have been talking about getting a tattoo 4. I am finally at the age of 40 getting my ink because a) I've fallen in love with the design I really want, b) I've found the artist I want to do it and c) I've decided to suck it up and get brave around the pain factor.
Now that you know these things, lets get on with my story.
In my early 20's a few of my very close girlfriends got their first (and in some cases their only) ink. At the time I was fascinated and wishing I was brave enough to get one too. They were getting them on the front of their hips and they were small and discrete, in fact most people don't even know they have them except for their partners.
At the time I was still living at home and even though I probably could have got away with it for a while, I wasn't brave enough to face the retribution that might have come with doing such a thing once the parentals found out!. Also too, I've never had the body that would want me having that area tattooed or even on show to get tattooed, so I let the idea go and didn't think about it again for a while.
When I moved out of home of course that was a different story, and I became obsessed with the idea of getting a scorpion on my ankle. I am a Scorpio woman through and through and so it seemed fitting that this would be the design I wanted for my first piece of ink. Something small and kind of abstract, I didn't want a realistic looking arachnid on my body, but a representation. To this day I still have not found a design that I would be happy to have permanently on my skin, so it fell by the wayside again, periodically raising it's head in discussions as friends found images they thought I might like, or we all got brave and talked about making plans to get them done.
But it wasn't just finding the design that held me back. It was fear. The fear of the unknown, of how much it is going to hurt, whether I can handle the pain (my pain threshold is not the greatest!) and a lack of knowledge about how to find my artist.
As an adult I have had 3 men in my life that were either ex-navy or still in the navy and each one of them had ink. Getting inked really does seem to be just as popular with Sailors today as it did back in the day of the legendary Sailor Jerry. All 3 of them had a combination of metal inspired ink or old school imagery and the more I look back at it the more I realise that I actually fell in love with old school tattooing before I even knew what it was!
Whilst the 2 boys I dated had ink - Lift Boy only had 1 and Captain Feathersword around 5, Biker Boy (who was my flatmate's boyfriend) had around 10 or more pieces and I loved to hear the stories when he would come home with another piece of artwork etched into his skin. I loved to hear what the inspiration was and why that particular design was chosen. Of course I would also drill him about who he got to do it and why that particular spot on his body and how much one spot hurt over another!
So when I met Darrin and found out he had 25 (which has now increased to 27 since we have been together!) it was only natural that my thought process and conversations started coming back to my own desires of getting tattooed.
Living with a man who is inked, having tattoo magazines galore around me, now having friends who are tattoo artists and going to conventions did nothing to stem the desire to take my 'clean skin' and make it prettier! Talking to people who are heavily inked, to people who have regretted some of theirs, watching the artists at work, talking to tattooists and hearing stories about how much it hurts (from people like me who don't have the highest pain threshold) has done nothing to quell the desire, in fact it has done the opposite and fanned the flames!
As I said earlier, I still haven't found the design for a scorpion tattoo which is totally fine. My fascination with old school imagery is so strong that I'm devouring magazines and web pages galore and have been researching intently for the perfect designs.
With Darrin having so much ink himself and being in the industry with his photography, his knowledge in my quest to find the perfect piece and the artist to do it have been invaluable.
When you are going to spend hundreds of dollars putting a permanent in-print onto your skin, you want to know that you have the best possible person doing that. His only influence over my upcoming adventure has been to guide me away from artists whose work I loved the look of, but when looked at with a trained eye were actually filled with shoddy line work or bad shading etc - I need to know my art is going to be beautiful so I happily listened! Or he rightly so also guided me away from a few artists whose work was beautiful but they are biker owned shops. That scene I don't need to be a part of nor be giving my hard earned cash to.
So he has patiently looked at web page after web page I have sent him, photos and mock ups as I spent months coming up with my final design. He patiently found me details of amazing artists that complete the kind of old school work that I'm interested in and unknowingly provided a large part of the inspiration behind my chosen design.
I've been lucky enough to have seen 3 of the 4 artists I would really like to get tattooed by in action at the various conventions that we have been to. I've seen not only how beautiful their work is from start to finish but I've had the chance to see how they treat their clients as well and so when it came to choosing my final artist for piece number one, I had no hesitations in booking in once I saw the drawing she had created for me.
I'm guessing you are wanting to know about my design - so I'm going to tell you how I chose it, why I chose it and where and why this piece is going where it is. If you're lucky I might also show you the dodgy mock-up I created to explain to Jane what I was wanting!
When my beautiful Nanna Lucas passed away 4 years ago, I knew that when the time came for me to finally get inked that I at some point wanted some kind of memorial to her. At first I had thought that it might be in the shape of a flower - perhaps an Asian lily with her dates in the petals. That was my first thoughts. Then when I had my Amy Winehouse costume for a fancy dress party, I fell in love with her bird tattoo which says 'never clip my wings'. It was so appropriate for me in the wording, and I loved the little sparrow and I thought perhaps I could incorporate Nan into that somehow. Of course, I didn't want to steal Amy's tattoo design completely, if I went with a bird then it still had to be of my own design but I didn't know how to make that happen.
Then just after Christmas when Darrin came home from his family he brought home to me what is now one of my most treasured items of jewellery. A beautiful little silver swallow brooch, it's wings spread as it soars up high. It is a gorgeous pin that belonged to his beautiful mum whom sadly had passed away a few months before I met him. So not only is it treasured because of what it is, but from where it came to me from. Now whilst this swallow is only an outline, it got me back onto thinking about birds and swallows in particular.
You see traditionally, sailors got swallow tattoos because the swallow was often the first bird to land on a ship as it approached land and it reminded them of home and their loved ones waiting for them there. In Estonian legend (not that I'm Estonian - but I appreciate this bit of history!) the swallow also represents free blue sky and eternal happiness. Swallows also migrate home every year, no matter where they are and they are also birds that represent love as unlike a lot of other birds, the swallow mates for life. So, as a girl who is very close to her family and loved ones having a swallow tattooed on me seemed to be a logical choice :)
But that wasn't enough! I didn't just want a swallow that would represent my Nan, my family, my friends, my man - all the people that I love. I wanted to symbolise how much they are always in my heart and will be for eternity. And so my final design incorporates a heart with the world 'Eternal' in it and a ribbon that links the heart to a swallow on either side of it - top and bottom.
This is the very bad mock up and nothing like the gorgeous drawing that Jane has done where the birds have so much personality! I also haven't quite settled yet on the colours we will use -we will do that on that day :)
The tattoo originally started out as quite a small piece that I had planned to put on my inside left wrist, but with the advice of the people I trust, to get the detail I want in it and have it staying beautiful over time I have had to let go of my ideas of a 'small' tattoo and go for something bigger. So then I thought if it's going to be bigger, let's move it a little higher, still on the left arm but closer to my elbow, make it easier to cover when I need to (and I will need to sometimes for work when I'm customer facing and training), but somehow over time even that changed and my beautiful drawing when I saw it ready for my arm is now pretty much going to take up the entire inside of my left forearm! But that's OK, because to be honest, if I handle the pain well, there are so many other ideas I have for the next pieces and if I end up with a half sleeve, or even a full one, then so be it! I think that tattoos when done well on the arms can look incredibly beautiful and sexy, and I'm old enough to make my own ink decisions and understand the consequences of where I put them :)
So why did I chose my arm when I could go with so many other places that I could keep them hidden and the world wouldn't know?
Well for me, if I'm going to do this, I want to be able to see it. And this one especially, because it has so much meaning to me, I don't want to hide it. Sure there will probably be others that I may get that I will put in less obviously places (I have ideas for a thigh piece, that will pretty much only get seen at the beach or by Darrin and I) but for me, I wouldn't be happy putting something on my back and then just knowing it is there. Now that doesn't mean I don't like them there - I've seen lots of gorgeous ink on people's backs. it's just on my body, I want to be able to see them for myself.
Now as for my artist, this has been a task way greater than deciding on my final design! There are so many tattooists out there, and regretfully there is a lot of dodgy workmanship too. Because of me loving the old school imagery so much, the pool of talent that specialises in my kind of ink is smaller, so making the decision really came down to who was going to be the best for this particular design.
I was fortunate to have seen Jane tattoo at the Sydney convention and when I researched her further I absolutely adored the way she drew her swallows. When we had our initial meeting she really listened and I knew she understood what I was after. When I then got the see the drawing a few weeks ago it was even more gorgeous than I had envisaged, so I knew I was making the right decision going with her.
I have other 'tattoo idols' though of course that I would love to get work done by in the future (of course EVERYTHING depends on how I manage the pain with this one!! But let's imagine I'm going to be fine and will be getting more!) and they are Toby Gawler from Shanghai Charlie's here in Sydney, Zoe Dennis from Third Eye Tattoo in Melbourne and Mimsy Gleeson from Mimsy's Trailer Trash Tattoo in QLD. They all do different elements of the old school tattoos that I like :)
So here we are, in less than 30 sleeps at 11:00am on August 11, I am going to be in the studio and being prepped for my stencil to go on. I'm excited and scared at the prospect. Darrin is pretty sure I'm going to cry! Oh well, if I cry, I cry. I'm definitely no stranger to tears! They are great for stress release :)
That is where we are at, counting down to something that has me scared and excited all at the same time!
Will I post about the actual tattoo experience and show you the pics? - you betcha I will! And I promise, none of those 'it doesn't hurt' stories either - if it hurts like a bitch I'm going to tell you all about it!
Until then, I remain yours, a clean skin (for a little bit longer)
