They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. No matter what that time span though, most of them are here to accompany us on our journey, and in some cases guide us.
I know for me that there have been people in my life that I have been sad to have let go of, not seeing the reasons or for want of a better word, sometimes the lessons that they have helped me to learn further down the track.
Of course there have also been those that I couldn't wait to see the back of! Yet, even those, for the most part, I can in hindsight identify why they were sent my way, albeit some of them a very long time after I have forgive them for some of their actions.
Sometimes though we are lucky enough to see the lessons, to identify the guides and know why someone has been sent to us almost from their arrival.
For most of my life I have been afraid to just live. Always conforming to what was expected of me, worried what everyone else would think, would they judge me? Accept me? Criticise or ridicule my decisions? What would happen if I did 'X', would I be in trouble? Of course there are always going to be circumstances where it is important to think like this and to a certain extent to conform, but in your personal life, shouldn't you be allowed to live your own truth without all the worry of what everyone else expects of you?
At the age of 41, I am finally in a place where I am doing exactly that. And no, it isn't necessarily making everyone happy. There are things I am doing that not everyone respects or understands, the most obvious of that being my tattoos, and I get that. I don't expect anyone to understand why I have now decided to put artwork on my skin, and it IS art. It's not rebellion, it's not me throwing my sensibilities to the wind and trying to fit in, it's not my way of hurting the people I love, it is 100% about me expressing myself in a way that I was too scared to before, the outside creativity mirroring the inside.
In just under 3 months I have 2 pieces of art on my skin. Both of them represent different things and parts of me. Whilst I don't plan on any more in the next little while, if I decide to get more, then when the time is right I will.
As I wrote in my blog about getting my first tattoo, I placed it on my inside left arm because I want to be able to see it, I want to be able to look at it and know why it is there and when I do that, what I see is something that always should have been there. To my eyes it doesn't look like an addition, rather it looks and feels a part of me, just as much as the skin on my right arm. When I glance in the mirror now and see both tattoos, I feel balanced.
Just because I now have ink on my skin it does not change the woman that I have always been. It does not change my character, my integrity, my heart. All it does is make a blank canvas more colourful, makes the outside represent what it feels like on the inside. I change the colour of my hair constantly, my style of dress, I wear jewellery and flowers in my hair, so what is the difference in adorning my skin? Yes it is permanent, but life isn't, and I'm not going to waste another moment in my life worrying about what other people will think of me.
No one is else is going to be judged because of my tattoos. I may be, but it is something I am prepared for.
So back to the lessons. Meeting and falling in love with my darling man has taught me many things about myself. I'm not going to go into detail, a lot of them are private, but the one lesson I will share that I have learnt from him is that when people really love you, they let you be you, even when it seems crazy and silly and nonsensical to everyone else, they will still love and accept you, just as you are.
He gets me like no one else ever has before. If I had of stayed a 'clean skin' he would have been just as happy as he is with me getting inked. It's my truth that I have to live, and no one else can really know how that truth feels. For me, getting my tattoos, loving my man and being with our friends who are also inked makes me feel like I've found where I am supposed to be. It's taken 41 years but damn it makes me happy.
I am so lucky to be in a place where I am not afraid anymore to be anything but me.
